...my life....

Ok, here's the scoop...I literally have no time to sit around and play with livejournal...aww, poor livey. But now that I have this new job where all I do is sit around and do whatever, I have all the time in the world. I've been out on a few dates with different girls, but none of them really interest me too much...just something about "typical" girls around here that just want me to decide to not even date anymore until I get out of college. There's so many things that I just dont like about the girls around here, and I guess I'll have to adopt to it....although I really dont want to. Why can't women respect themselves more around here? What the hell?

Anyway, enough of that little rant...I'm going to White Lake this coming weekend for the first time since Christmas, and I'm going to have an AWESOME time....I'm ready to go right now, but unfortunately, there's a little something holding me back called College. I love my life, though, can't really complain...there's nothing to complain about.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Rammstein-Wo Bist Du

FUCK FUCK FUCK ALL

Current Mood: FUCK
Current Music: FUCK MUSIC

huh...thanksgiving and holiday shit. oh what fun. i dont enjoy thanksgiving or christmas anymore...ppl have forgotten what its all about. oh well. headed down to dads for thanksgiving then goin to myrtle beach...haha...i know...im hypocritical. yet again, ho well...yes, i did say ho...no oh...not a typo folks...got a new tattoo and hung out with robbie the whole weekend...it was so awesome...well thats all for now, people. goodnight and goodluck

Current Mood: mwahahaha
Current Music: Rammstein-Sehnsucht

I've been in a good mood all day...what the hell is wrong with me? I haven't been like this in a while, and I dont really have a good reason to be in such a good mood. Something is probably gonna come along to knock me down on my ass again, but oh well...imma try and enjoy it while it lasts. I talked to my advisor today, and all of my credits can be switched over internationally to the Germanic College Systems. SWEET! I've been listening to Rammstein for 3 hours straight, and I have no idea why. Just feeling in a Rammstein mood. My old friend from Berlin called me again today, and it looks like she's going to be going to the same college over there that I am! Friendships last forever, i guess!

Maybe I shouldn't have asked her to come home with me this early...maybe I messed up!

Der Wahnsinn
ist nur eine schmale Brucke
die Ufer sind Vernunft und Trieb
ich steig dir nach
das Sonnenlicht den Geist verwirrt
ein blindes Kind das vorwarts kriecht
weil es seine Mutter riescht

Ich Finde dich

Die Spur ist frischt und auf die Brucke
tropft dein Schweiss dein warmes Blut
ich seh dich nicht
ich reich dich nur Ich spure Dich
ein Raubtier das vor Hunger schreit
wittere ich dich meilenweit

Du riescht so gut
Du riescht so gut
ich geh dir hinterher
du reischst so gut
ich finde dich
so gut
ich steig dir nach
du riescht so gut
gleich hab ich dich

Jezt hab ich dich

Warmer Körper
heißes kreuz
falsches Urteil
kaltes Grab

Auf dem kreuzer leig ich jetzt
sie schlagen mir die Nägel ein
das Feuer wäscht die Seele rein
und übrig bleibt ein Mündvoll

Du
du hast
du hast mich
du hast mich gefragt
du hast mich gefragt, und ich hab nichts gesagt

Willst du bis ter Tod euch scheidet
treu ihr sein für alle Tage

Nein

Willst du bis zum Tod, der scheide
sie lieben auch in schlechten Tagen

Nein

Wer zu Lebzeit gut auf Erden
wird nach dem Tod ein Engel werden
dein Blick gen Himmel fragst du dann
warum man sie nicht sehen kann

Erst wenn die Wolken schlafengehn
kann man uns am Himmel sehn
wir haben Angst und sind allein

Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein

Sie leben hintern Sonnenschein
getrennt von uns unendlicht weit
sie müssen sich an Sterne krallen (ganz fest)
damit sie nicht vom Himmel fallen

Current Mood: Rammstein mood for some reason
Current Music: Zerstoren - Rammstein

Lass mich deine Träne reiten
übers kinn nach Afrika
wieder in den Schoß der Löwen
wo ich einst zuhause war
zwischen deine langen Beinen
such den Schnee vom letzten Jahr
doch es ist kein Schnee mehr da

Lass mich deine Träne reiten
über Wolken ohne Glück
der große Vogel schiebt den kopf
sanft in sein Versteck zurück
Zwischen deine langen Beinen
such den sand vom letzgen Jahr
doch es ist kein Sand mehr da

Sehnsucht versteckt
sich wie ein Insekt
im Schlafe merkst du nicht
dass es dich sticht
glücklich werd ich nirgendwo
der Finger rutscht nach Mexiko
dock er ersinkt im Ozean
Sehnsucht ist so grausam

Current Mood: mwahahahaha
Current Music: Stirb nicht vor mir-Rammstein

When you think you've gotten over it all, you really haven't. And when you think you haven't, you have. That's the way things are working out right now. I really have no clue what to do about anything anymore. I'll be glad to put an end to this semester, and to these first two years. I've decided that as soon as I'm done with the first two years of my college career, I'm heading to Berlin. I need a change, and a change for the better. I've always said that I'd go, and no one has believed me, but they will, oh they will.

Since nothing seems to be going my way, eh...idk. I hear a new life calling my name. Too bad it will take another year and a half to get there. I have no idea what I'm going to do in the meantime. All I know is that God willing, I'll be in Berlin in the next couple years. I just want to be happy, and it doesn't seem that it is going to happen anytime soon. I've given up on Anna. I can't keep making promises on uncertainties. I can't stand being in the position I am with her. I can't stand waiting between nowhere and goodbye. So I just wont.

I think I want more. I know I shouldn't. I know that I should just put things in God's hands. I am better than this, so why am I going thru it? When will I learn that I can't control things and things will not always be the way I want them to be? I want to love again, and to feel like I have something other than myself to live for.

Berlin...1 year and 3 months and counting......

Current Mood: Glucklich werd ich Nirgendwo
Current Music: Lifehouse- You and Me

Komm in mein Boot
ein Sturm kommt auf
und es wird Nacht

Wo willst du hin
so ganz allein
treibst du davon

Wer halt deine Hand
wenn es dich
nach unten zeiht

Wo willst du hin
so uferlos
die kalte See

Komm in mein Boot
der Herbstwind halt
die Segel straff

Jetzt stehst du da an der Laterne
hast Tranen im Gesicht
das Abendlicht verjagt sie Schatten
die Zeit steht still und es wird Herbst

Komm in mein Boot
die Sehnsucht wird
der Steuermann

Komm in mein Boot
der beste Seemann
war doch ich

Jetzt stehst du da an der Laterne
hast Tranen im Gesicht
das Feuer nimmst du von der Kerze
die Zeit steht still und es wird Herbst

Sie sprachen nur von deiner Mutter
so gnadenlos ist nur die Nacht
am Ende bleib ich doch alleine
die Zeit steht still und mir ist kalt

I have no idea what is going to happen in the next few days, and I usually do. It's really bothering me. I feel like I need to give Anna a second chance, because she is genuinely sorry for what she did, and I understand that, and forgive her for that. I would like to give our relationship another try...I just don't want to look back on those two years and say that they were for nothing. But there's something that keeps holding me back. I've realized that everything that is going on is pretty much pointless. Whatever happens will happen, and what is meant to be will be. It just drives me crazy to realize that I have no idea what that is right now.

Current Mood: this is driving me crazy
Current Music: Believe- Disturbed

A lot of thinking and some fun this weekend. . . I went to Myrtle Beach with my dad, and we had a pretty good time, even though we did a thing or two that I regret. He said these things were something he wanted to do with me to take my mind off of Anna, but I guess it really didn't help much. I still have so much to think about, and it really scares me. For seemingly the first time in my life, I have no idea what I want to do about anything. It feels like I'm just going day by day and just making it through the hours. I need something to take my mind off of this. I can honestly say I don't know what I want. There just seems like there's so much to think about. The only thing that I could have done this weekend that would have really taken my mind off my situation for a while would have been getting another tattoo, or having the one I already have worked on some more, but come to find out, tattooing is illegal in South Carolina. Go figure. . . stupid state, stupid laws. I don't know what I want to do, but I do know that there is someone out there that makes me feel a way that Anna never could, and probably never can. I call her "Red".

Current Mood: huh....
Current Music: Save Me- Remy Zero and Rammstein